melind4.wordpress.com
I’m starting a new blog. I’m using my 50th day of sobriety as a symbol that I have made a change in my life that has seemed to stick. I seemed to have grabbed a hold of something real this time. I’m grateful for all the positive thoughts, advice, and encouragement that I have received from fellow bloggers out there. I don’t know where I’d be without your support. But I need to disconnect with the person I seem to be on this blog.
A lot of my older posts make me sick. But I don’t want to delete them or take them down because it’s part of my journey that’s documented here. I feel like it would be dishonest to take the old stuff down. And I know that there is somebody out there who might connect with how I was feeling at the time.
So I’ve decided to start a new blog to more thoughtfully document my path. On blu3nude, I just spew out my thoughts and feelings. But I feel like I just don’t need to put them out there like that anymore — I can recognize myself what’s real and what’s not, and it’s just too easy for my unedited words to be misinterpreted. The new blog will hopefully be more thoughtful and edited.
I don’t want to be blu3nude anymore. My name is Melinda. And for those of you who haven’t figured it out just yet (even though you all probably have), Bluenude is a series of paintings by Henri Matisse. I love the colors he uses, and I like his vision of the female body. I’ve had the pleasure of seeing some of his works in person, although I can’t remember where. I go to museums wherever I travel, but my memory of the past is sometimes a little fuzzy.
It kills me that this blog gets far more hits when I am struggling than when I am doing well. But hey, it’s the trainwreck thing — people can’t help but look. Some of the keywords that show up in my stats when people land on my blog also kill me. I just want to be more positive, and there is a lot of darkness, a lot of negativity written in this blog. All of it honest and raw, but embarrassing and sick at times.
I’ve still got a long way to go in my recovery, but I kind of look forward to it, heartwrenching tears and all. But I have started to feel the healing, and I have started to let go of all the sickness I’ve created in my past. I think I might be starting to forgive myself, which I never thought would be possible. I’m grateful for the ability to change, and I have hope beyond hope that I can keep my focus in a positive direction. That’s the best I can do right now, and that’s why I need to move forward.
So please visit my new blog, and don’t call me Blu, because that’s not who I am anymore. I always value your thoughts and opinions.
peace and love and thanks :)
patience
Watching Michael Jackson as an 8-year-old in the Jackson 5 reminds me how much a person can change as he or she travels through life. I guess it’s up to the individual to keep it real and make sure the change keeps a positive direction. I don’t want to comment on Michael Jackson, because all I know about him is what the media throws at us, but he is entirely unrecognizeable as the little kid he once was — he is entirely unrecongizeable as he was even in the 80’s.
And I want to say that it is creepy how the media keeps these retrospectives on the lives of celebrities on file in case they should pass away. The media is entirely out of control, and I find myself watching less and less TV lately. Maybe it’s just an information overload, but I can’t relax and watch TV at the same time.
In life, I feel like there is a part of the puzzle that I am missing. I see how there must be a holistic approach — body, mind, and soul. I think patience is what I am missing the most right now. It’s difficult to keep on track without seeing the results. Am I really any different than I was a few months ago? There is less desperation, less hopelessness, the sadness has changed, the anxiety is still there, and it takes so much effort just to keep my head above water. Not that life will ever be easy, but will it ever feel more fulfilling?
I’m ok right now, but if I look to the future and see the same person in 6 months, in a year, I lose a little bit of hope. That’s not good. I need hope to keep going. How do I keep my momentum? Of course, I don’t expect an answer, but I want the frustration to be lifted. Can’t I just go to sleep for a year and wake up a new person? A better person? The fear of dealing with my reality leads to anxiety, and that makes me want to run in the other direction. It’s kind of weird, because I don’t want to drink, but I want to give in to the sadness. But it’s not the healing kind of sadness, it’s the kind that makes me disconnect.
So I’ve got to shift focus back on today. Today was a good day. I even sang and danced around my apartment for about 30 minutes today — that’s what happens when I eat too much sugar. Then I enjoyed the park with a nice 2-mile walk. My life is pretty easy, it is so extremely uncomplicated, and I like that. I should enjoy it. I suppose I’m still stuck on instant gratification, and patience is quite the opposite.
happy friday
It’s amazing how my mood can change from one day to the next. Today is my day off, but I still had to get up early. I had a doctor’s appointment at 9am. It was done by 9:30, and then I was like, what do I do now? I went to Target — most other stores weren’t open yet. I bought some clothes, and I am a size smaller than I thought. That was weird. I’ve only lost a few more pounds, but the shape of my body has changed. I’ll never be skinny (like a size zero, but then that size didn’t exist when I was younger), because I’ll always have some muscle. I don’t want to be skinny anyways, I like my curves.
The other day at work, there was an emergency, and they needed some muscle to quickly vacate an office across town. For some reason, my boss volunteered me, but I didn’t mind. I had to move office furniture (chairs, tables, printers, etc) down a flight of stairs and into a truck, and it had to be done quickly. And it was pouring rain. But hey, it’s better than sitting at my desk. I only wish I wasn’t wearing sandals that day. Actually running up and down the stairs was exhilirating, but my shoulders are sore from lifting stuff over my head to put it in the back of a truck. But, I got to keep one of the leather executive chairs at my desk. I noticed that I am in much better shape than I thought I was. I guess my walking at the park (15 minute miles, not very exciting) has done me some good. Not to mention the fact that not drinking allows my body to heal itself, rather than just constantly focusing on filtering out the alcohol. I do a lot of stretching exercises too.
My gynecologist gave me some samples of estrogen pills to regulate my hormones during my cycle more. I guess the birth control shot can knock things out of whack a little. I’m a little afraid to take them, but I’ll see what they do for me. She also asked about my stress level, and I told her it was low. She said that was good, because that allows my body to heal and my immune system to be up. I had some pre-cancerous cells removed from my cervix, and I have to get screened every 3 months. So far, so good. I’m glad I chose this time to be more healthy, to allow my body to heal. My stress level is low, even though I have been experiencing a lot of emotions lately. The emotional stuff leads to healing, and I do feel better afterwards. It’s like I’m finally getting it out. Tears can be healing.
Today I got more done before noon than I usually get done in a whole weekend. It’s hot outside though, and it’s supposed to get hotter this weekend.. like 107 degrees on Saturday. It’s humid right now too, because there’s a storm threatening to pour some rain. I don’t like the extreme heat of the desert. I always get dehydrated, even though I drink a lot of water.
It’s only 3pm now. I just woke up from a nap. If it doesn’t look like rain, maybe I’ll head to the park this afternoon.
My perspective is on track today. I see progress with my body, I’m addressing my crazy hormone issues, and alcohol seems like poison to me today. I’ve given up caffeine and carbonated beverages, and I make better choices with my eating — I switched to soy milk, soy-milk -based ice cream (hey, it’s better than the regular stuff, and I can’t give up everything), spinach salads for lunch at work, and banana smoothies for breakfast. Ha ha, I sound like a health nut. I just can’t abuse my body anymore. I suppose this is common in recovery, although I remember some very unhealthy-looking people at AA meetings. That’s another reason I don’t want to go — there are a lot of unhealthy people there. And I know people get to know each other in front of the building in the smoking area after the meeting. Ick.
Right now, in this moment, things seem to be coming together. These are the moments I cherish. If I could be like this all the time, I would be content. But I know how I am, and I know it will go. But I’m happy to be right here, right now. I think I’ll get out of bed early every weekend. Happy Friday.
hiding from fear
“If you want to change and let go of the frightened and dependent person you used to be, you have to do whatever is necessary to face your inappropriate, unnecessary, and attached anxieties.” – Lama Surya Das, Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be
I’ve written about my fears before, but with a clearer head, maybe I can see them a little better. I sat in a quiet room thinking about my fears last night, and here they are:
- i’m afraid of being alone
- i’m afraid of failure
- i’m afraid of rejection
- i’m afraid of being hurt
- i’m afraid i’ll never be good enough
Sure, there are other, more superficial fears, but these are the big ones, the ones I drink for. When I thought about it more, all of these have a deeper connection. They are all things that can drive me to a deep, dark depression. They can take me over the edge, take me to that place where I just don’t care anymore. That’s what I’m really afraid of — I’m afraid of not coming back from that place. It’s my reactions to the things above that I fear the most.
So, if I must face my fears, I must face the depression. But, I’m afraid it might win. I know whatever I do to face it will ultimately help my situation, but it terrifies me. What if I fall apart? Can I pick up the pieces?
I can feel the depression creeping around behind me, lying in wait. It would be easy to go there. But I can’t. I know I need to get help for it someday — it’s definitely a thinking problem and a brain chemistry problem. I changed my diet. I exercise more. I’m aware of my thought processes. I try to stay positive. But how long before it catches up with me? Can I really stay ahead of it? I don’t have the answer but I do have some hope.
When the going gets tough, I check out of reality. It’s been tough, but I’m (mostly) still here. I do see how I could use other people to lean on at this very moment, but I’m stubborn, and I’ve already decided to not to go back to any meetings for a while. I really just don’t want to. Not now. When? I don’t know.
I hate how this whole thing seems so cyclical. Mood goes up, mood goes down. Repeat. The cravings/compulsions/whatevers to drink have been less frequent. I feel like if I drink again, it will be to purposefully sabotage my recovery, rather than to mindlessly follow a compulsion. I don’t know which is worse.
I don’t handle stress well. I’m not talking about stress at work, I can handle that. It’s the emotional stuff that I don’t know how to handle. All the “excitement” around my birthday and Father’s Day. That was the first birthday and/or Father’s Day that I have been sober for in the last 12 -1 3 years. And both on the same day. I should’ve just stayed in an pretended that day didn’t exist. If my reaction to a known event is so negative, how will I react to the unknown?
So I’m afraid to confront anything, and I’m unable to hide from it. I’m afraid of all those things listed somewhere above in this post. I’m afraid of the pain, and I’m also afraid of running away from the pain. Maybe it’s not as bad as I make it seem, but I feel a little stuck, but I’m afraid to move.
Work is good. It’s like my little microcosm where I can practice thinking more positively, having a better attitude, and reacting to people in a more positive way. Then there’s the rest of my world, the part with the fears and sadness and compulsions and everything else. I have faith that I can get through this. I’m grateful to be alive today.
RIP Farrah and Michael
46 days
sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and i have a flash of inspiration and have to write something down. it’s not like a dream or anything, but just something i feel i have to say. i have a huge insecurity that i am not heard. it stems from my physical voice being a little quiet. my family often didn’t listen to me. everyone can talk louder than me, and a lot of the time, many increase their volume to drown me out. if nobody’s listening, then what’s the point in talking? it takes time to get to know me. it takes effort to get to know me. being quiet has also made me a great listener, when i want to be. it’s amazing how many people don’t know how to listen.
last night, i woke up sometime after 3am, and wrote this down:
I live a solitary life. No one asks me how I am doing and cares to hear the answer. I interact with people mostly on a superficial level. On the blog, I interact at a deeper, more meaningful level, but none of my senses are involved. I can’t see you, I can’t touch you, I can’t hear you, I can’t place your scent.
I miss human touch, even affection. A hug, a touch on the back, a nudge on the arm. Most of my social interaction is at work, and we keep our physical distances at work. I don’t even have a cat to snuggle with anymore.
I see how I truly need help from others to truly heal. I’ve said before that there are times when I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Just to let go for that moment would be a relief. A healing relief. Just to actually believe, even if just for a moment, that it will be allright would be a blessing. I think I only half-believe that today.
After I wrote that, I slept until morning. Sometimes I don’t know where the inspiration to write a post comes from. I’m at a loss to where that came from, but I’m glad I wrote it down. I love writing things that let me sleep until morning.
So I’m on this journey to be a better person than I was yesterday. And, as with all things, it’s not about getting there, it’s about the process. It’s hard to have self-confidence when I have lacked it for so long. The “I can do this” motivation does not come easy, and I still have a lot of crazy mood swings that somehow always end in tears, but they’re tears I need to find my way through. There’s a lot less anger though. But I’m doing ok. And to be sober for 46 days is better than being drunk for any of those days.
Losses
When I get emotional, it’s hard for me to sit still. On Sunday, I went to the bookstore after lunch. I just wanted to go somewhere where I could distract myself. I ended up purchasing “Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be” by Lama Surya Das. It seemed fitting. He’s an American, so he writes from a Western perspective. It’s an easy read so far, as long as I can hold back the tears.
Here’s some quotes that I found interesting:
Chapter Two: Loss and Change
“Loss is a part of life. Impermanence is everywhere we look… How we deal with these losses is what makes all the difference. For it is not what happens to us that determines our character, our experience, our karma, and our destiny – but how we relate to what happens.”
“Our sorrows provide us with the lessons we most need to learn.”
“Everything passes; nothing remains. Understand this, loosen your grip, and find serenity.”
“Rather than feel our feelings, we try to lose ourselves in habitual activity.”
Chapter Three: Naming Our Losses
“For some of us, the most consistently troublesome thing about loss is the destruction of expectations.”
“Jung said, ‘The psychological rule says that when an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside as fate.’”
In the third chapter, he suggests journaling your losses, and how they make you feel. Here’s mine:
- lost pets, companionship. i was shocked that they were just gone. dead. the end.
- lost the kid next door that died in a SCUBA diving accident, when I was about 10. too young to really understand. but that was the first person i knew who died. he was my brother’s best friend. i wonder if he’s looking out for him.
- lost friendships throughout school years. it always baffled me when friends would suddenly abandon me to climb the social ladder. people still do that to me today. i give, they take. the end. felt betrayed, anger, sadness.
- my house burned down when I was 17. Lost all my stuff. All of it. Didn;t really even fathom that was a possibility before. Lost a sense of security. felt confused and sad.
- lost my home when my parents moved to Vegas when I went to college. There was never a home back in CA to return to. I never wanted to come to Vegas. Lost a lot of friends as a result. Lost a sense of community, a nostalgia connected to my childhood home. I feel like a stranger when I go back sometimes. Lost my roots. felt disconnected.
- lost my innocence. lost my security. there are some things that people do that you never really knew a persona was capable of doing to another person. lost my faith in humanity. ander, sadness, guilt, shame, inferiority.
- lost my scholarship. lost my sense of direction. lost my goals. lost my purpose. if i’m not a high-achieving engineering student, what am i? i was confused. i felt a sense of freedom in that i wasn’t doing things just becasue that was what i was supposed to do. lost some shyness. i felt for the first time, i was really living. i didn’t have to do anything.
- lost my dad. lost my security. lost the only person who could tell me that everything was going to be ok. lost the rock of my family. lost my stability. lost my freedom. i was angry that he had to go, and that he had to go like that. i was angry that i had to be the stable one. i’m the youngest, shouldn’t they be taking care of me? lost my freedom in that i felt an enormous burden of responsibility. sadness, anger, all internalized in a big depression. let the drinking begin.
- lost control. gained an addiction. lost my self-respect, lost all confidence. lost the person i once saw in the mirror. lost my boundaries. lost any sense of reality. lost my love for myself, most of it at least. lost control, that’s the key.
- lost my sense of security when the house was burglarized. lost my jewelry, some of which i had had for years. lost a computer, dell axim, acoustic guitar that i purchased with the proceeds from the wrongful death lawsuit for my dad years ago, lost a camera, lost pictures, lost faith in my ex (b/c he never fixed the fence. that was the moment i lost much respect for him). now i find security in the baseball bat i keep by the bed. my dad used to keep a machete by his bed. i know how to swing a baseball bat, not a machete. the police said it was just kids, and that was the extent of their investigation. lost faith in the police. lost more sense of security. anxiety, anger.
- lost my job, my career path. lost security. lost direction. anxiety. relief.
- lost love. lost the sense of being important in someone else’s life. lost some cats. lost security. lost touch with reality some more. lost companionship. sadness. loss of friendship. was it all an illusion. confusion, anger, relief, and finally, a deep breath.
- lost many opportunities to be something. lost confidence. lost potential. lost the feeling that i can do anything. lost the sense that everything will work out for the better in the end.
after writing all of that down, i realize it was all beyond my control, except the scholarship and the job. and you know what, i didn;t really want either of those things. i was directed into engineering becasue i excelled at math and science. but, i excelled in all academic subjects. literature was my favorite. so fuck the engineering scholarship. And the job? I didn’t really want to be a CPA. I just wanted the security. And I still qualify to be a CPA in many states, so I can pick it back up if I want to. And that job just sucked. I’m glad it led me to the job I have now — cushy governement job (as long as I get through the upcoming layoffs). Couldn’t have gotten it without the big name on the resume.
I know I need security. But I didn;t realize that I felt a loss of security from most of the events listed above. I need to find that security within myself, and not try to get it from external sources. I just feel so unstable. Like I could just float away if left untethered. I’m sure that stems from the lack of self-confidence. hm.
masks
i’m a big picture kind of person, but sometimes i get lost in the details.
i stopped drinking because i was out of control. many changes happened in my life all at the same time , and i had no idea what i was getting myself into. i didn’t know that i was in search if who i really am — my true self. and i had no idea how hard the search would be. i’m still trying to figure it out, and i think it’s going to take awhile.
i have this need for security in my life, otherwise i feel like i am not grounded. but i lost a lot of my security all at once earlier in the year. all within a few months of each other, was fired from a job that ran me into the ground , i left an unhealthy relationship, and gave up the crutch of alcohol. i have always felt that if i could just find my place in this world, then everything would be ok. but that’s not how it works. in searching for my true self, i have discovered all the masks that i wear, and there are a lot. i wear them because they provide me with some security, and they allow me to appear grounded to the world outside, or so i thought.
so, the big picture is that i have to find out who i really am, and just be that person. easier said than done, of course. drinking has overshadowed who i am. drinking has created an alternate self — the drunk version of me. that is not who i really am. most alcoholics can relate, i think, as we sense the dr. jekyll/my. hyde change with a beer in hand. i have to learn to let go of the mr. hyde (that’s the evil one) and discover who the real person is underneath. it’s so hard to let go of all that i associate with my mr. hyde — the drunken slut, the drunk driver, the person who doesn’t take care of her responsibilities, the person who lashes out at others emotionally, the person who could never just be happy and content.
bu the real me can be happy and content, that i am sure of. the hardest part is letting go of all the “security” i found in alcohol. i recgonize it as false security, but i still want it. i sit here today, open and vulnerable, and it’s somewhat terrifying. what if i don’t measure up? what if people see who i really am and still don’t like me? what if ….??? those are the details i need not get caught up in. if i know anything about my true nature, it is that i am a good person, and i will do everything in my power to help others and that i really do care. but i also know that i am insecure and have a hard time seeing myself as valuable. thankfully, i can work on that.
so, i need to find out who i really am, in absence of alcohol and bad relationships and bad jobs. thankfully, i was given the blessing of that opportunity, which is exactly what i needed. it’s amazing how these things work. i’ve only been really at this quest for self for a couple of months now, and it will take time to get where i need to be.
it dawned on me in a flash of inspiration that my true self may be my higher power, in the aa sense. i respect that others have their God to work with, but what of those of us who don’t? we have the group consciousness, the jungian collective unconscious, the universe, whatever. but what is that really? if my self was defined by the planets and the sun and the moon at the moment of my birth, then haven’t i just strayed from that self through my addiction and all the other masks that i wear? i just need to find my way back. many that believe in a God have said that they have strayed from that God, and they need to find their way back.
i know that my true self is innately good and will steer me in the right path. sure, i have flaws, but if i can find my way back to my self, then everything will be ok. i have faith in that. i also think that any god/higher power is really within, not without. the group consciousness is that we are all connected through our struggles and desires to heal. i find that here, on these blogs. the power i feel when sharing through the blog comes from the honesty — it wouldn’t mean a thing to me if i was dishonest. what i share here is deeply personal, but i am shielded by the distance.
it seems to me that i search for something tangible, but what i find is intangible. i say i am searching for my self, but, really, i am already here. i’m just stripping off the defensive masks, slowly but surely. what’s changing is my reaction to my self. it’s like i am here, but i haven’t accepted that yet. the higher power is the self-love that i have been lacking. that’s what will make me successful, and that comes from within. but that doesn’t mean i could do it alone. i surely could not. right now, i can’t see myself for who i really am. that’s where those i interact with on here come in to the picture. you help me see myself as i really am.
i wrote most of this post in the morning, and the rest in the afternoon, during an emotional breakdown. i went to lunch with my (relative), and she was a little nasty. i just sit there and take it, because it’s not ok to disrespect my (relative). but that’s why i can only take her in small doses. i feel sorry for her too. if this is what i’ve gotten myself into after only 32 years of this shit, what has she done with her 60+ years? she’s really only one bad day from going over the deep end, and that’s sad. lunch lasted less than an hour, but it was enough to drive me to tears (after i got home, of course). i’m probably a little sensitive from the hormones screwing with me too. but why is it that when i’m around my family, i always have to be the one who “sucks it up” to keep the peace? i always have to tiptoe around everyone else’s feelings, but i get stomped all over? i dont think i can’t take it anymore. no wonder i moved 3,000 miles away from my family when i turned 18. maybe i should move farther away again.
before, i would be right in a bar to drink these thoughts away. but i know that’s not going to help. i don’t deserve to have my feelings disregarded by my family. fuck them (that’s probably not the best reaction, but it’s better than internalizing feelings of inferiority). i deserve better.
i know this post is kind of all mixed up, but it went where it wanted to go. hopefully some of it makes sense.
today is my 43rd day of living in reality. this day hurts more than i wanted it to, but it’s all gotta come out sometime. there’s no time like the present to embrace change.
happy solstice!
the summer solstice occurs this year on june 21 at 5:46am UTC. that is 10:46pm on June 20 in my time zone. may the pagan festivities begin!
today
i figured i should keep myself busy today to keep my mind focused on the “now.” otherwise i cause myself anxiety over whether i might drink later. i didn;t really even know what anxiety was until i read someone else’s posts about it a few months ago. that fear-based thing that hovered over much of my life. there’s a lot less now … i still avoid some social situations and most confrontations, but that’s partially just me choosing my battles. and i should be afraid of drinking again. that is a legitimate fear.
if i just don’t drink now, then i am good, right?
i spent the morning doing laundry and reading through my astrology chart that Domino was kind enough to prepare for me. It’s very detailed, so I’m going to have to read it a few more times before i can see it more clearly.
i spent the middle of the day running around town. i bought some new sheets (made from bamboo) and a convection/toaster oven ( birthday present to me).
this afternoon i went to the park to just read. i was there for a few hours. i am now reading “zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance.” i’ve had the book for years, but never read it. i didn’t even know it was on my bookshelf. in my extra bedroom, i set up a little reading/yoga/meditation area, complete with a yoga mat laid out on the floor, right in front of my bookshelf. i think i must have about 300+ books. i’m really not even sure. most of them i have read. the other night i was stretching on the yoga mat, and i laid back and was looking at my bookshelf, upside down. somehow, i saw this book, and i pulled it off the shelf and began reading it. then i noticed there was an atm receipt in the book. i bought the book used, so it was someone else’s atm receipt. it was from bank of america, and said “versateller.” i don’t think they use that term anymore. the thermal ink was very faint, but i could make it out with some effort. it was the university’s address, the date was 3/20/98, and the person had $6.22 balance in his or her account. i like finding things like that. when i used to wander around the boston/cambridge used bookstores, i remember finding a receipt from the 1920’s. that was cool. i always like to wonder who else read the book, and try to give them a story. books with inscriptions are cool for the same reason.
anyway, i’ve been reading this book to get lost in someone else’s story for a bit, because i just need to check out of my own for a little while. i’m still only halfway through “mindful meditation” but there’s a limit to the amount of self-improvement information i can absorb at any given time. i’ll pick it back up later. i need to be ok with who i am right now, but i’m really not. just thinking about that can make me cry, if i let it.
i gotta say, what i read in that astrology report is very insightful. i’ll write about it later when i get it squared away in my head. but it does point out some negative traits that i don’t like about myself. i’m thinking that they key here is to accept the negative traits, learn to improve upon them, and be ok with that. but right now, i gotta say, i don’t like that it points these out. probably cause i’ve been trying to hide from them, instead of accept them. one of them is that i am stubborn. well, hrrmph.
one thing that i noticed has come up more than once in my readings is the concept of accepting where you are for what it is. i like being connected to nature. at the park today, i saw a bunny. he was only a few feet away from me, but i was still so he didn’t notice. he was just chomping away at the grass, being a bunny. but las vegas has a lot of non-native plants that negatively affect the ecology. it’s the desert, not an oasis. there used to be a vast groundwater reservoir, but it all dried up many years ago. so why are there so many palm trees and other non-native plants? we don’t have the water to support them, and they negatively affect the surrounding environment. and they bring non-native species of animals and insects too, like scorpions. this happens all over the country. but there’s nothing wrong with how it was to begin with. why do i want to pretend i live in a tropical oasis under palm trees when i really live in the desert? the point is to accept reality for what it is, and deal with that. maybe it’s not perfect, but it’s real. i bought a little succulent (cactus) today as a birthday present for myself. it’s nice to have another living thing in the apartment. i’ve been watching my flowers (given to me by my co-workers for my b-day) open and close for the sun.
i went to trader joes after the park this evening to pick up some groceries (and a cactus). in case you are unfamiliar with trader joes, they have an extensive selection of alcoholic beverages. i usually just avoid that aisle. but, there was an endcap display of the summer brew and some kind of pale ale. i’ve had their beer before, and it’s usually too bitter and rough for my tastes. i like my beers to go down smooth. but i actually picked up a bottle of each of these and read the labels. then i went to the liquor aisle and looked at their full selection. i was trying to convince myself to buy just one (half-liter) bottle of a lager. i spent about 5 minutes reading the labels, and then i put them down and walked away. i almost put one in my cart, but i thought it would be too bitter, so that was the reasoning i used to put it back on the shelf. i’m glad they only have their own brands of beer there, otherwise i might have purchased a more familiar brand.
i have this urge to go to a bar, but i think i will be able to stay in and stay beer-free. when i put that beer back on the shelf, i felt like i had some control over it, even if i had to trick myself a little to be able to do that. it tries to trick me all the time, so why not turn it around? (i realize that makes me sound totally crazy, but that’s what it feels like). i guess the term compulsion is dead-on.
that’s all i got for tonight.
chinese astrology: i’m a snake
I especially like the following quote: “Most people are secretly or hopelessly in love with Snakes.” You know you love me. ha ha.
from http://12zodiac.com/learnsigns/snake.shtml
The Diplomatic Snake
Personal Traits 蛇
Snakes have always been the seducers of human beings. If you know the story of “The White Snake”, you will understand what I mean. In reality, Snake people are born charming and popular. Snakes are spotlight magnets, and they will not be ignored. Peer group attention and public recognition are the least of what he expects. Yet Snakes are never noisy or deliberately outspoken, and they have have excellent manners.
Unlike the Snake who seduced Eve in to sin. the astrological Snake, is not a devil, not even a little demon. The Snake is a nice oversexed normal human being. Determined to follow through anything he undertakes to the bitter end, the Snake detests being left in the air. He makes his decisions quickly and firmly.
Most people are secretly or hopelessly in love with Snakes. Gather those frustrated folk you know and most likely, they are probably in love with a Snake. Irresistible as they seem, the Snake never wastes time in idle gossip. He thinks often and deeply. He is an intellectual, a philosophers, a cerebral person. Snake people rely heavily on first impressions, on their own feelings, on their sympathies, rather than on facts, on the advice and opinions on others. He seems to have a kind of sixth sense in this way.
Snakes are a bit tight when it comes to lending money, though his sympathy for others often leads him to offer help. The fatal flaw in his character is, in fact, a tendency to exaggerate – in helping friends as with everything else. If he does somebody a favor, he becomes possessive towards him in an odd way.
Another big flaw in a Snake’s character is that, they are capable of biggie lies. White lies, true lies, whatever they call them, though they don’t lie often, they do lie when they feel they can get away from it.
In money matters, the Snake has good luck: he doesn’t have to worry – he’ll always be able to lay his hand on money when he needs it. Generally, Snakes are careful but generous with friends and family. The Snake should stick to careers that won’t involve him in any risk – even the risk of working too hard, for to tell the truth, the Snake is a bit lazy.
In love, the Snake male is romantic and charming. He has a sense of humor and the female is usually beautiful and successful. but if a Snake chooses a partner, he’ll be jealous and possessive – even if he no longer loves her. Rejection is the worst blow his delicate ego can suffer. The Snake must be received, welcomed, accepted and approved by those with whom he comes in contact. They need a lot of security.
Compatibility
(1 – least compatible, 10 – most compatible) with
Rat 6 – Better be friends than lovers
Ox 8 – This union can be a good one
Tiger 4 – Difficult to know what they see in each other
Rabbit 6 – It takes some effort to make it work
Dragon 7 – This might work
Snake 6 – Complicated union – better avoid
Horse 7 – First there’s attraction then comes compromise
Sheep 6 – This might work
Monkey 5 – Perhaps – it depends on the Monkey
Rooster 9 – A love connection, Omens favorable
Dog 7 – A balanced and compatible team
Pig 4 – The Pig can never please the Snake
CELEBRITIES
Gabriel Faure, Brooks Shields, Franz Schubert, John Fitzgerald Kennedy
office surprise
today, i unlocked the door to my office and i was genuinely surprised. yesterday, i had been at a training class all day, and, while i was gone, my co-workers had decorated my office with streamers and stars and balloons and a sign that said happy birthday. there were also some flowers that are now brightening my mantle. there’s a pic to the right (and yes, my office is just super-exciting in general).
i really wasn’t expecting it, and i had a smile on my face all day. it’s nice to work with genuinely nice and thoughtful people. unlike at my last job, where the good ones were outweighed by the assholes (public accounting sucks ass).
it’s amazing the effect that other people can have on me. i’m starting to think this “loner” thing i’ve got going on right now might not be the best way to go. especially when i let some thoughts just swim about my head unchecked. but that’s why i write them down here.
but i really don’t know how to make friends that don’t drink. it really seems like everyone i meet drinks often. i was invited out to a bar this weekend by some people at work, which i gracefully declined (my “i’m giving up drinking for the summer to focus on my health” excuse seems to be a good way to decline, and it’s sort of true). i was also invited to a jazz concert in a few weeks, but then the person started talking about the bottle of wine she was looking forward to drinking, and i, again, gracefully declined. i really don’t think i can just hang out with people who are drinking at this point. it seems dangerous.
but, i miss just hanging out with people. i guess i’l just stick with what i’ve got going on now. it’ll work itself out eventually.
so now i have pretty flowers to look at to remind me that everything was ok today. i think i’ve got a leg up on this thing today.
40 days, 40 nights
i can feel the ambivalence approaching again. this time it’s a pull between the following: one drink or none? i’m 99.9% intellectually aware that i can’t just have one drink. i’m not sure i’ve ever had just one drink in my entire life. but i don’t always follow reason and intellect.
i can see a downhill trend in my posts, a more obvious downhill trend in my behaviors. and i think i know why. there are a few things ganging up on me at the moment.
the first is that my birthday is this sunday. i am hoping this will be my first sober birthday since my 18th. that’s a lot of drunk birthdays. also, this will be the first birthday i celebrate alone in many years. sure, my (relative)’s taking me out to lunch, but she’ll probably be having margaritas because we’re going to a mexican restaurant. she’s not aware of my problem with alcohol or my commitment to stop drinking, so it’s not like she’s being mean-spirited or anything, but i’m pretty sure she’ll get a giant, delicious strawberry margarita and continuously offer me some. that part i can handle, but i think it all might catch up to me later in the night, when the voice of reason isn’t so loud.
the second is that my birthday happens to fall on father’s day this year. that’s another day i have been drunk on for the past 12+ years. it’s hard to break old habits.
the third is that my hormones are in full swing this week, which makes my moods go all over the place. i’m more sensitve in general, and everything is intensified, especially my thoughts about sex. maybe i’m just crazy.
the fourth is that i just happened to read more than one book/article lately that says something to the effect of — many problem drinkers can just return to moderate drinking on their own after they address some of their issues. something like that anyways. but then maybe i am more than just a problem drinker? 12 years is a long time to be drunk. but, the seed is planted in my mind that i can just have one… or two. (24oz beers). again, the voice of reason can get overshadowed in my mind.
so i think i am stong enough to deal with it, to get myself through it. i know i’m only supposed to be worried about today, not tomorrow, but i have been invited out for drinks by a few people at work and it just brings me anxiety. it plants the seed, and it’s hard to get it out of my head. i’ve told people at work that i’m focusing on my health and have decided to cut out all alcohol for the summer, and they seem to respect that. they think i am some health nut or something — talking about organic foods, soy milk, tofu, whole grains, etc. it’s kinda funny, but i have just refocused on my health because i need to feel more connected with my body in order to stop abusing it. i already ate mostly organic foods before i stopped drinking, so it’s really not that big of a change. and it’s easy to cut out the pizza and chicken wings at the bar, because i’m just not there anymore.
tonight, i got a flash that i’m not sure if i can handle all of this. i still feel like i am pretending sometimes. pretending to be a person that is different from the one that showed up at the bars a couple of months ago. if my mood goes down to the point where i don;t care, and that’s where it will lead if i can’t change it, i will have a hard time staying sober. i hate the fact that it’s so easy for me to go to that place where i don’t care. i’ve fucking fought my way out of that place so many times.
it feels good to get that out. it’s been there for most of this week, but i thought it would go away… i thought i could turn it around. i’m not sure that i can, but maybe it’s good to know that i am aware of it. maybe i’ll be able to say no to it this weekend too. i can say no to it tonight, although i purposefully stayed away from the grocery store because i wasn’t sure what i would come home with.
i haven’t felt my heart beat like this or that craziness in my head in awhile. is it not crazy to rationally/intellectually believe that having a couple of drinks will really fuck my life up, but to know that it is more likely than not that i will have more than a couple of drinks this weekend?? hopefully i can switch those odds around. i feel crazy. i think i will go for a walk tonight. all i really want is for someone to hold me and tell me everything’s gonna be ok. is that too much to ask?
i’ve got 40 days of sobriety today.
Eve Ensler: happiness in body and soul
this is my favorite quote from this one:”when we give in the world what we want the most, we heal the broken part inside each of us.”
foot to pavement: the point of no return
i read a lot to keep my mind focused in the right direction. but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t stray often. it does. and it’s really hard to stay away from the things i have reached for in the past– alcohol and sex. all mixed together in one self-destructive brew.
and don’t forget caffeine, sugar and cigarettes too. i gave up smoking over 5 years ago, but the few i had a couple of months ago brought it back into my system. it’s funny, because when i walk down the hallway at work, near the door where people smoke outside, the smell makes me sick. but i want for the feeling of inhaling the smoke, and that somehow activates the craving in my head. i ‘ve only put the caffeine down for a few days, but sometimes i open the fridge looking for something unknown, and it’s the caffeine and carbonation that i’m after. thankfully, i don’t find any, but it’s hard to fight it. i’m working on the sugar, and could do much better. trying to switch to natural sugars first — slowly but surely.
so back to alcohol and sex. my demons. i realize that writing about them here may not be the brightest thing to do, but denial gives them power. after all, it’s not all peace and love and bunnies and rainbows.
i drive by about 10 -20 bars (yay las vegas!) on my way to work in the morning, and the same ones on the way home. one is the last bar i frequented. if i go to the bookstore, i pass the bar my ex and i frequented for years. even if i wanted to go to an aa meeting, i will pass about 6 bars, about half of which i know the beers they serve on tap.
a couple of weeks ago i pulled in the parking lot of a bar, but drove away. first of all, just pulling into the parking lot i felt like i was out of control. my mind was screaming no, but my body drove the car there. thankfully, i was able to regain control of my limbs (in a very out-of-body experience -type way) and drive away. i drove to a supermarket parking lot and cried, then drove home. sometimes i stay in at night often to avoid this very phenomenon. i just skip ahead to the crying part, and cry myself to sleep. no matter what direction i drive, there is a familiar bar. and of course, there is the grocery shopping. i have to stay away from the beer/liquor section, even if i need something nearby. if i even get a glance of the offerings, it will stick in my head and fester. so i stay away.
the weekends come with an desire to go out, but i choose alternatives. movies or bookstore or walking around somewhere. i’m afraid for the moment when the sadness comes back, and i just don’t care anymore. i mean, it doesn’t just go away, does it? hopefully i will have altered the habitual aspects of all of this enough before that day comes, and it will be easier to choose alternatives.
i make smoothies for breakfast every morning. yogurt, soy milk, ice and fruit. they’re absolutely delicious, and a good replacement for all sugary substances i have previously indulged in for breakfast. i recently purchased a blender for this purpose. but, you know what thought pops in my head every morning as i’m making a breakfast-smoothie? rum. it’s what we would do in hawaii. we would first hollow out pineapples, and freeze them. then, put a whole bunch of tropical fruit and rum in a blender, and pour into the frozen, hollowed-out pineapples. super delicious. it’s just using the blender that brings that back. maybe it just takes awhile for me to re-associate blenders with non-alcoholic beverages.
i don’t want to get too into the sex part, because i don’t want to be disgusting, but basically i just can’t get it out of my mind. it’s unhealthy and it makes me want to drink. i would never have indiscriminate sex while sober, so, the way my mind works, i should just go get drunk. of course, i know that’s not very rational, but i still have to fight the thoughts. and then it just turns into “am i loveable?” of course i am, but that’s how i attack myself. it’s not that i’m overweight, or should be further along in my career at my age, or that i haven’t really accomplished much in my days — it’s that i must be inherently unloveable, i am fundamentally defective. i have to work on that.
so, even though i think i have made some real, solid progress in just being more positive, and controlling my thoughts and my reactions, and just trying to live a healthier lifestyle in general, i am really only a few steps away from getting drunk. i know if i set foot in that bar parking lot, i would have walked right in. foot-to-pavement is the point of no return. i’m thankful that i drove away. i’m thankful that i have 38 days of alcohol-free living under my belt.
story of my life
Thank you to Janice Dickinson’s face, as it was disturbing enough to make me turn off the tv tonight. But seriously, what reality are these plastic-surgery-obsessed, vain, narcissistic “celebrities” living in? I’m thankful that my reality is not that distorted.
So, back to reading (and blogging). i’m still reading Mindful Recovery, by Thomas Bien. It’s quite insightful. All the books I’ve read lately basically say the same thing, but this one has interjections of practice — after a topic is explained, an exercise is suggested on how to practice mindfulness in that area of life. It makes it easier for me to see how I can bring the practice into my ordinary, average life.
According to the book, “Mindfulness is a quality of openness, of present-moment awareness and acceptance. Mindfulness is experiencing this moment, this very one, the only moment that exists.” That is a beautiful statement. Sometimes words just get to me.
Some of the exercises have me step outside of myself and just look at myself open and honestly. That certainly brings out the emotions, especially as I’ve been hiding from my reflection for so long. The tears took awhile to stop last night. I have had a lot of good fortune in my life, and I should appreciate that more.
“Guilt and shame are a flow of negative energy toward oneself. Anger and blame, on the other hand, are a flow of negative energy toward others.” I have certainly felt a lot of guilt and shame, and placed a lot of anger and blame on others. I didn’t realize they were the flip-sides of the same negative flow of energy until I read that statement. So when I feel guilty, I am just angry with myself. Or feeling shameful is just placing blame on myself. That’;s why I read these books — different perspectives on things I thought I already knew.
The second section of the book is titled “Doorway Two: Telling Life Stories.” It explains that a fundamental characteristic of being human is storytelling. We all have a story of our lives– what made us who we are and how we interact with the world. But sometimes we get caught up in negative storylines and it is hard to get out. “Growth is a process of telling more adequate, comprehensive stories about who we are until we develop the freedom to go beyond them.” If we get stuck in negative stories about ourselves, we will never grow beyond them and we will never see reality.
Mindfulness is seeing the reality beyond the story. Addiction is getting stuck in a negative story. Some of us have created a story about being a rebel or an outlaw, that we just don’t fit in with polite society and their rules don’t apply to us. That’s how we justify doing something illegal that destroys our lives. Like excessive drinking and driving, or consuming illegal drugs. “Our story or expectation about alcohol endows it with the properties of a magic potion.” Are we really more social, witty, sexy, attractive and fun after a few (or 12) pints? Probably not. But why do I feel like I am missing something now that I have stopped going out to bars? Like something super-exciting is going to happen, and I won’t be there? It’s part of the story that we associate with alcohol. Crack open that brewski and bikini-clad models come flocking to your backyard bbq.
The book refers to 12-step programs, and challenges me to think outside the box. I like that. One aspect of the program that it mentions is challenging the fact that we are always “recovering.” Sure, I should never drink again. But one aspect of AA that I don’t like is that one never graduates. The book states that this “perpetuates a negative life story.” Can’t I just be someone who has recovered? I don’t want to endlessly recount my stories of what I did when I was drunk. I know what they are. You know what they are. I’ll never forget them. But, I can move on. I don’t have to recollect the negative stories and keep them a part of myself. My goal is to be able to release them.
Another aspect of the 12-step programs that I have an issue with , and is mentioned in the book, is “the reliance on something or someone outside of oneself to bring the redemption. In other words, no redemption without a redeemer. For some this is God. For others, it may be the group itself.” The alternative noted is “self-reliance” or an “internal locus of control.” This is how I see myself. I am the only one who can change my habits, my actions, my interactions with the world. I’m not saying I could do it by myself, but the change comes from within. I had a lot of help from other people, but I am the one who has the strength to cry myself to sleep instead of going to the bar, to finally confront the pain (slowly but surely), to completely change my life and pull myslef away from everything that is a familiar crutch. We all know it’s not easy.
A philosophical issue raised by the author is that if God is without, then so is Evil. So there is a lack of personal responsibility (as in, the Devil made me do it). If God is within, “then we also have to deal with our own evil, our own shadow side.” I definitely sense a struggle between the good and the bad inside of me. On one hand, I just want to be happy, and that’s what I’m trying to achieve. On the other, there’s the “fuck it. just do what feels good right now” side that tries hard to pull me back in. I make the choice. Today, I choose the happy side.
So now I begin to re-write the story of my life. I’m still not sure what it will be, but it’s gotta be better than the one I am giving up. It’s kinda funny, because friends I had in the past (who are now just facebook acquaintences across the country — one a mother and wife, another a cocaine addict, another a museum photographer) used to tell me that the chorus to story of my life by social distortion reminded them of me. It somehow makes me want to do some acid, but I think I’ll refrain. I never really thought about the meaning of those words until now:
Life goes by so fast
You only want to do what you think is right
Close your eyes and then it’s past;
(it’s the) story of my life
a work in progress
lately, i’ve been noticing that i don’t seem to have much time to get things done. with my lack of a social life, you might think that i should have all the time in the world, but i still spend a lot of time procrastinating, and a lot of things don’t get done. all the essential things are done, but it’s after 9pm on a sunday night, and i’m still doing my laundry. and i had friday off, so i should have plenty of time.
every weekend, i list the things i want to get done, and make my plan of attack. i don’t want to drive all over town in one day, so i try to do things in one part of town one day, and leave the rest for the next. i get out of bed fairly early (at least it’s early for me) on the weekends — usually before 8am, but then i’m on the couch, trying to watch the news or screwing around on the computer. next thing i know, it’s almost noon and half the day is gone.
here’s a list of the exciting things i wanted to get done this weekend:
- shop around for a toaster/convection oven
- get an oil change
- grocery shopping
- read
- try to meditate
- exercise
- relax at the park
- housework
i did all those things, except for the oil change, because it can wait. but i felt like i was trying to squeeze things in that should have been given more time. and i didn’t exercise as much as i wanted to, or go to the park to relax as much as i wanted to. those two things are the most important to me right now, as they are the things that keep me grounded. and i read every night before bed, so that’s already got a dedicated spot in my schedule. i spent way too much time trying to find the perfect toaster oven to buy for my birthday, but i found what i wanted and where it is the cheapest. mission accomplished. (in case you’re wondering why i need a toaster/convection oven, it’s because i only cook for myself nowadays, and everytime i use the real oven, it heats up the whole apartment. so i thought a smaller, more efficient apparatus might be useful.)
i try to meditate and be mindful of things, but i find myself distracted a lot. the book i’m reading (mindful recovery) describes a lot of techniques which i try, but i think these things just take time. i signed up for a class called “mindful meditation” that starts in mid-july. i was actually looking for yoga classes, and this one jumped out at me. the yoga classes are all on weekdays right after work, and i don’t like rushing around after work. so hopefully i can learn something at the meditation class. sounds good anyways.
one hypothesis i have on why i seem to not have enough time is that i want what i want and i want it now — i’m still looking for that instant gratification. of course, this is the opposite of being mindful, but i’m still learning. but it’s like i still want the easy way out. i am a super-procrastinator. i spend way too much time on the couch with the tv in the background. so it’s hard to drag my ass off of it to do things that aren’t going to give me that immediate gratification. like exercise or relaxing or meditating. i know these things take time to see the desired results, feel the desired feelings, but i still want more immediate results. but i’m keeping at it, and i am a work in progress.
i see how a change in mind can cause a change in action. but sometimes it seems like the changes in my mind are bigger than those of my actions. i just need to give my body (actions) more time to catch up with my mind. i’m ok if i keep it all moving in the right direction.
diphenhydramine hcl
Generic Name: diphenhydramine (dye fen HYE dra meen)
Brand Names: Aler-Tab, Allergy, Allermax, Altaryl, Benadryl, Children’s Allergy, Diphen Cough, Diphenhist, Dytuss, Q-Dryl, Siladryl, Silphen Cough, Simply Sleep, Sleep-ettes, Sominex Maximum Strength Caplet, Theraflu Thin Strips Multi Symptom, Triaminic Thin Strips Cough & Runny Nose, Unisom Sleepgels Maximum Strength, Valu-Dryl
did you know that benadryl is the same thing as some OTC sleep aids? i did not know that. i was checking out some OTC sleep aids today, but i didn’t want to buy a big container. i was actually in sam’s club, and all they had were giant containers. the generic only cost 10 bucks for 2 giant bottles, but i didn’t want that much. it was near the benadryl, and i remember the one time i took benadryl because of allergies — i could barely keep my eyes open. unfortunately, i was at work, and it made for a very long day, but it stopped the sneezing. i noticed the generic benadryl was only 3 bucks, so i looked at the ingredients and was surprised to see the exact same active ingredient: diphenhydramine hcl. same dosage too. it’s exactly the same thing as simply sleep and sominex, but cheaper.
i’ve noticed this before with other OTC medications — the packaging and the name (and price) are different, but the active ingredients are the same. my ex always had headaches, and he noticed that pretty much all versions of excedrin are exactly the same, so just buy whichever is cheapest.
i just thought that was interesting so i thought i’d pass it along. i wonder what other seemingly unrelated drugs are exactly the same???
