blu3nude

9/28/08 manhattan beach, ca

my job requires me to be out of town on occasion, and on this occasion, i had been out of town for three weeks in a row. i felt like willy loman, living out of suitcases at airport hotels, eating at less-than-spectacular restaurants. i was staying at the manhattan beach marriott, which is not a bad hotel, but not a spectacular one either. and too far from the beach.

i have been starving for affection in my relationship. in six years, i had never even touched another man. which is how it is supposed to be. i guess i have to go back a little to explain myself. i am a very sensual person. i crave sexual attention. i want a man’s hands all over my body and i want him to take me, take charge, and make love to me. just writing that has made me sigh and take a deep breath. i have a hard time saying no, especially after a drink or two.

here is a brief history of my sexual past:

i was a virgin until i was 19. i had a boyfriend in high school, but we never did the deed. almost once, but we just weren’t ready. then i went to college. i was taken advantage of sexually at a frat party in college. virginity gone. despite those after-school specials on the subject, i always pictured rape as some cat-burglar-looking guy jumping out from behind the bushes, dragging me into an alley with a knife at my throat. so i joined the far too numerous group of women who were raped in college after a few too many drinks, and never reported it. i mean, surely there was something i could have done to stop it, right? i was making out with one of the guys beforehand, so i must have wanted it, right? why did i go in the room with them if i didn’t want it? (note: the preceding questions are examples of what i imagine some stupid campus-security officer would have proposed had i reported the matter). (note 2: i’ve often thought that some of my hyper-sexual behavior may be the result of this experience, in the sense that i cannot be raped if i fuck them first, as twisted as that sounds).

so, i never really talked about it, and i kinda went the wrong way with it. from 19 – 24, i slept with about (large number omitted) men and a few women (only as part of threesomes). i made a list once, but i burned it one night. sometimes i freak out and do things that i regret. but i remember that many of the entries on the list were like “cute boy with blue hair” or “biker dave” or just “michael” because i didn’t really know their names or who they really were.
and then i met my boyfriend. i met him at a nightclub and slept with him the first night i met him. i followed him home at about 6am, the whole time just craving the sexual attention. we had a great time. too drunk to really feel much, but it was fun. we spent the entire next day laying on the couch together, and we really connected. from that day forth we were inseparable. it was great for a few years, but kinda went stagnant. lately we have been fighting all the time, and i have fallen out of love with him. i tried to talk to him about it many times, but he just won’t respond. i know he loves me and would do anything for me, but that’s just not enough anymore.
so back to the manhattan beach marriott.

i went to the island’s restaurant that is in a little mall near the hotel. i could’ve walked there, but felt uncomfortable at night. so i drove. i sat at the bar, because i didn’t want to ask for a table for one. i wanted a couple of beers anyway. as soon as i sat down, with a seat between me and the next guy, he started talking to me. i think he was wearing khakis and a golf shirt… typical business casual. he was definitely older than me.. maybe like 45-ish or so. i am 31. he was an electrical engineer. i love smart men. especially the math/science types. i am a very intellectual person, and i need someone on the same level as me.

i am about 75 pounds overweight and a little uncomfortable with my body. i tend to be a little androgynous and asexual in mixed company, because i have trouble saying no. he was tall and slim and balding. i don’t mind the balding part, but i prefer a man with more flesh on his bones. but i love the tall thing. i found out later he was 6′3″. perfect to my 5′9″. makes me feel not like a giant.

i think he was talking about the economy or something like that. i was waiting on my food, which seemed to take an unusually long time for just a burger, so i was talking to him. i tend to look people in the eyes, with what i have been told is an intense look, and i could tell right then that he was hooked, which was definitely far from my intention. after talking to him for awhile and drinking a couple of beers, i had told him too much about myself, including the fact that i am staying at the hotel down the alley. he was also staying there, but he had walked over. after two 24 oz beers, i declared my intention to leave, because i shouldn’t be driving after any more drinking. there had been no sexual body language so far just the eye contact. he asked if i wanted to have a drink at the hotel and i, who can’t say no, said yes. since we were staying at the same hotel, i gave him a ride in my rental car. on the walk to the car, i asked him if he had any plans to rape and/or murder me. he said no. i believed him. off to the hotel. i often display bad judgment when i have been drinking.

i knew he was really staying at the hotel because he mentioned it first, and when we got out of the car, he mistakenly headed for the elevator, because most people park on a different floor than i, where the elevator would be needed. so i was satisfied that he knew the hotel. they were remodeling the bar, so no beer on tap. only bottles. i went to the restroom, and he got the beers. one guinness for him and two bass for me. he had a coupon and had to use its full value or lose it. i knew right there his intentions. get the girl drunk. the beginning of many long nights in my past. since they were remodeling the bar, we sat on one of the couches in the lobby. i can’t remember what we were talking about. i found out his name was jason, and later his last name. i divulged way too much personal information. he mentioned that i kept making self-deprecating remarks, which was true. i tend to do that. he touched the small of my back, which made me feel self-conscious about my weight. he touched my thigh a couple of times, and i think i tensed up trying to ignore it. i wanted it, but knew my relationship would be over. but after your partner that you are starving for affection, what is a girl supposed to do? eye contact did not break the whole time. i think i may have taken a deep breath.

i asked him if he knew what was downstairs from the lobby, but he didn’t. i knew the pool was down there, but didn’t know what else. we went down to explore. it was dark and there were lots of water features down there. the hotel is on a golf course, so lots of open space and greenery. the sound was relaxing. again, i can;t remember what we were talking about, but we were leaning against a fence… the one around the pool. the hot tub looked nice. he put his arm around me. i still didn’t react, except i probably tensed up a bit. after a bit more conversation, i was more relaxed. it felt nice to have his arm around me. safe. at some point, he turned my head and kissed me. i was resisting in thought, but not physically. if i was single, it would have been nice and sweet. i liked the fact that he took control.

i was immediately disappointed in myself. why did i let that happen? what was i doing? let’s rewind a bit so i can explain. i met my boyfriend at a nightclub on a friday night (80’s night). his friend, who i was not attracted to, had a crush on me. there was a group of people that always went to this particular nightclub, and i know some of them, he knew some of them. the one who would become my boyfriend kept following me around and buying me drinks. i went home with him, spent the whole saturday with him. i think we met up for drinks one night, maybe a movie, and finished the night with a nice make-out session. we made plans to meet up at the nightclub the nextfriday night. he never showed. i was disappointed, and somehow ended up making out with a different guy that was also his friend. stupid, i know, but that’s what happened. he was a great kisser. i actually ended up in the car with that guy and there was a lot of groping. he wanted me to come back to his “condo”but in the midst of the groping, i noticed he had a small penis and lost interest. i told my soon-to-be boyfriend about this, leaving out a few pertient details, and he was ok with it, because we weren’t really together yet. he apologized for not showing up– his sister had gotten into a minor car accident. no injuries. i guess he didn’t think to make a phone call. he did a lot of stuff like that throughout the relationship.

as a result of this incident, we had a discussion about fidelity. we discussed that if were to get into a serious relationship, that cheating was the most disrespectful thing that could happen — that it would be better to break up and move on than to make the other person feel like crap. i had never cheated on anyone before, and neither had he. it was a respect issue.

so back to manhattan beach. he kissed me, and i liked it, but resisted. i told him that i had only kissed one man in the past 6 years. not that i expected him to care. he gave me a look that kinda said live in the moment. well carpe freakin diem. it was really nice to kiss him. the setting was nice. i felt that he respected me, and he told me more than once that he thought i was really sexy. which i had to agree with. the chemistry was good, but not great. i actually felt like this guy might make a good companion, but not a great one night stand. i noticed a nerdy awkwardness about him, which i found sweet. it also kinda told me that he doesn’t do this all the time. i asked him if he was married, he said no. no kids either. but he looked like a married guy to me. he said he recently got out of a 5-year relationship. i wanted it to be genuine. i don’t think it was.

i told him a lot of things about myself that i probably should have kept to myself. like the fact that i was sexually assaulted, that i used to be a slut, my last name, how much i hate my job, you know, the usual. i think he looked at me like i was damaged goods, but he liked it– like i was a little dangerous. i couldn’t believe i was cheating on my boyfriend. the person who, just a year ago, i thought i would spend the rest of my life with. i was really kissing some random guy i met while travelling on business. how adult of me.

so, back to reality. i have already had discussions about the relationship with the boyfriend, letting him know that something needs to change. should i tell him about random marriott guy? i have always been honest in the past, but i think this would break his heart. was that necessary? but it definitely has to end now. we went out for a couple of drinks that night– i again told him that i was starving for affection. he, as usual, didn’t have any productive response. when we got home, he went straight to bed. we sleep in separate beds. i wanted to make passionate love and try to redeem the relationship. i masturbated thinking of the guy from the marriott. it was hotter than usual.

the next morning, i still felt really bad. i wanted to make love with my boyfriend, just to see if there was anything left. i was unbelievably horny, and still am, and we usually have pretty decent sex– when we have it at all. but he hid in his office all day, away from me. keep in mind that i had been out of town for three weeks in a row, and he wasn’t paying me any attention at all. we went out for drinks that night again, and i pretty much repeated myself. i debated internally whether to tell him about the marriott guy, but decided against it for a couple of reasons. first, i didn’t want to hurt him if it wasn’t necessary. second, we live together in his house, and i don’t want to be kicked out. i know i’ll have to find another place eventually, but i want to leave on my own terms.

i actually looked up the marriott guy on the internet, not sure if he gave his real name. i know his profession, perhaps his real name, and what city he lives in. if he remembers my name, he could definitely google me. but i didn’t find him. i wonder if he googled me.

the last time i was single, i had a couple of f*ck buddies. usually i had more than one at a time, each talented in their own special way. never the most attractive guys, but nice and sweet with great hearts. i was always in control, the one deciding not to have a real relationship. i tried to look up one of my old f*ck buddies to get back in touch, but no luck. it’s hard to find people with common names.

i’m ready to be single again, but not sure if i’m ready to be unimportant again. i’ve drifted away from my friends, giving it all up for this guy. not intentionally– it just kinda happened. it’s kinda weird to be fat and single too– not sure how to do that. will everyone i meet be thinking that i am fat too? i’m ready to hit the gym, so hopefully i will regain some confidence. i have a sense of peace about moving on, so i suppose that is good.so that’s what happened at the manhattan beach marriott.

POSTED BY BLUENUDE AT 6:32 PM