blu3nude

sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and i have a flash of inspiration and have to write something down. it’s not like a dream or anything, but just something i feel i have to say. i have a huge insecurity that i am not heard. it stems from my physical voice being a little quiet. my family often didn’t listen to me. everyone can talk louder than me, and a lot of the time, many increase their volume to drown me out. if nobody’s listening, then what’s the point in talking? it takes time to get to know me. it takes effort to get to know me. being quiet has also made me a great listener, when i want to be. it’s amazing how many people don’t know how to listen.

last night, i woke up sometime after 3am, and wrote this down:

I live a solitary life. No one asks me how I am doing and cares to hear the answer. I interact with people mostly on a superficial level. On the blog, I interact at a deeper, more meaningful level, but none of my senses are involved. I can’t see you, I can’t touch you, I can’t hear you, I can’t place your scent.

I miss human touch, even affection. A hug, a touch on the back, a nudge on the arm. Most of my social interaction is at work, and we keep our physical distances at work. I don’t even have a cat to snuggle with anymore.

I see how I truly need help from others to truly heal. I’ve said before that there are times when I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Just to let go for that moment would be a relief. A healing relief. Just to actually believe, even if just for a moment, that it will be allright would be a blessing. I think I only half-believe that today.

After I wrote that, I slept until morning. Sometimes I don’t know where the inspiration to write a post comes from. I’m at a loss to where that came from, but I’m glad I wrote it down. I love writing things that let me sleep until morning.

So I’m on this journey to be a better person than I was yesterday. And, as with all things, it’s not about getting there, it’s about the process. It’s hard to have self-confidence when I have lacked it for so long. The “I can do this” motivation does not come easy, and I still have a lot of crazy mood swings that somehow always end in tears, but they’re tears I need to find my way through. There’s a lot less anger though. But I’m doing ok. And to be sober for 46 days is better than being drunk for any of those days.