blu3nude

Watching Michael Jackson as an 8-year-old in the Jackson 5 reminds me how much a person can change as he or she travels through life. I guess it’s up to the individual to keep it real and make sure the change keeps a positive direction. I don’t want to comment on Michael Jackson, because all I know about him is what the media throws at us, but he is entirely unrecognizeable as the little kid he once was — he is entirely unrecongizeable as he was even in the 80’s.

And I want to say that it is creepy how the media keeps these retrospectives on the lives of celebrities on file in case they should pass away. The media is entirely out of control, and I find myself watching less and less TV lately. Maybe it’s just an information overload, but I can’t relax and watch TV at the same time.

In life, I feel like there is a part of the puzzle that I am missing. I see how there must be a holistic approach — body, mind, and soul. I think patience is what I am missing the most right now. It’s difficult to keep on track without seeing the results. Am I really any different than I was a few months ago? There is less desperation, less hopelessness, the sadness has changed, the anxiety is still there, and it takes so much effort just to keep my head above water. Not that life will ever be easy, but will it ever feel more fulfilling?

I’m ok right now, but if I look to the future and see the same person in 6 months, in a year, I lose a little bit of hope. That’s not good. I need hope to keep going. How do I keep my momentum? Of course, I don’t expect an answer, but I want the frustration to be lifted. Can’t I just go to sleep for a year and wake up a new person? A better person? The fear of dealing with my reality leads to anxiety, and that makes me want to run in the other direction. It’s kind of weird, because I don’t want to drink, but I want to give in to the sadness. But it’s not the healing kind of sadness, it’s the kind that makes me disconnect.

So I’ve got to shift focus back on today. Today was a good day. I even sang and danced around my apartment for about 30 minutes today — that’s what happens when I eat too much sugar. Then I enjoyed the park with a nice 2-mile walk. My life is pretty easy, it is so extremely uncomplicated, and I like that. I should enjoy it. I suppose I’m still stuck on instant gratification, and patience is quite the opposite.