blu3nude

so for those of you who didn’t stop by this blog before i started my recovery — this blog used to be different. the posts are still there, but they make me physically sick if i try to read them. and i don’t expect anybody seeking recovery themselves to read them either, unless you want a reminder of the sick behavior that a fellow alcoholic is capable of. and there was more that i didn’t even write down — i just couldn’t make myself write some stuff down and make it real, give it perpetuity.

so here’s a brief history of the past few months of my life…

i was in a monagamous relationship with a man for almost 7 years. i met him in my early 20’s and thought he was the man i was going to marry, have children with, and live happily ever after with. he was my best friend. in those 7 years, we went out to bars about 3 – 4 nights a week and drank. at first, we would meet up with friends at bars, but as time passed, we only went out by ourselves. all the bartenders assumed we were married. a couple of times, we would go out separately with friends, but i think i can count the number of times that happened on one hand. 

i was in college for about 5 of the 7 years we were together. he never got his degree, but worked as a professional. he makes more money than i probably ever will, if only because i lack ambition. i took forever to graduate from college because i could only afford to take a couple of classes at a time, and still work. and i stayed to get my masters degree — if only to delay entry into the real world. i worked while in college — sometimes part time, sometimes full time. and i took out some student loans. neither of us grew out of our college drinking behaviors. we would drink a lot, and often. neither of our families knew of our drinking behaviors. a few times, we said we would cut down — for financial and health reasons. it would never last more than a week — one of us would always suggest going to the bar — “beerification” is what we called it. and the other could not say no. i put on about 75 pounds during the relationship — he would always bring me food. it’s kinda strange.

then i got the job i was supposed to strive for after graduation. the job for young, ambitious professionals ready to scratch and claw their way up the corporate ladder. needless to say, this was not the job for me. but, it kept me working 60 hours per week, sometimes more, sometimes constantly travelling to LA or San Diego or some other place in CA. I would drink at the hotels I stayed at. Why not? — we could charge 50 bucks for dinner to the corporate card, so I may as well order the cheapest food and squeeze in as many drinks as I can. This was actually suggested at an official traning class. Nice.

Let me go back a few years. Sometime, maybe 3 years into the relationship, the ex was diagnosed with sleep apnea. He had to wear a CPAP machine at night, which is basically a mask that allows air to constantly flow into his lungs (positive air pressure). This machine made a lot of noise, so I couldn’t sleep. Since it was only supposed to be temporary, until he lost some weight, I “temporarily” moved into a second bedroom. He never lost the weight, and I never moved back. So there was a definite lack of intimacy in our relationship, and I don’t just mean sex. I felt like we were roommates who would sometimes get wasted and have sex.

I would get extremely pissed off at him often. Sometimes there was a good reason, sometimes not. Sometimes I would cry, sometimes not. He never showed any emotions, which made me more pissed off. there was a lot of blame in the latter part of the relationship. i think i started it, but he soon caught on and did the same. it was just going downhill, and fast.

I don’t want to place blame on either one of us, because we both know our faults in the relationship, and that is for us to work out if we ever want to be friends. I hope someday we can get there, if only because we had such a strong connection.

Sometime in September 08, I cheated on him during a business trip. Just some stupid man at a bar, and I violated the most important bond I’ve ever had with another person. That’s very out of character for me. I never told him, but I knew the relationship was over. He may have read some of this blog, so that;s the only way he would ever know.

Both of us were laid off from our jobs in October 08, so we spent way too much time together, and we were drinking almost every day. Around Christmas time, the ex went to visit his parents for a couple weeks. Since we had a house full of co-mingled stuff, I took this time to sort through it and separate our stuff, and gave a lot of stuff to goodwill. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had decided to move out. I was terrified, and on unemployment. I hadn’t really supported myself financially in a long time, and wasn’t sure I could do it.

When he came back the day after Christmas, we talked, and decided it would be best that we end the relationship. But, we should still be friends. I think we went out drinking every night through New Years Eve. I found an apartment faster than I expected, and moved out on January 3rd. It was weird living alone. He kept my cat.

We tried to just be friends, but that wasn’t possible. We slept together once (after drinking of course) and he made advances on me another time. I guess it’s true that men don’t have the same emotional attachments to sex and intimacy as women do.

I went out to bars by myself (because I don’t have any friends that drink like I do), and slept with some idiot from the bar. I went straight back to my old behaviors that I had previously attributed to my youth and freeedom. Then I almost slept with the bartender in the men’s room the next week. Then I crashed my car into the median, and had to call my ex to help me clean up the mess. That’s when we slept together. I tried to stop drinking (but not because I was an alcoholic) and lasted 2 weeks. I started my new job in February, so sleeping in was no longer an option.

The I stated going to a different bar alone, and picked up another guy there. It was weird, becasue we actually talked. I was really drunk the first time, and don’t remember much. But I do remember telling him I had a drinking problem. He actually encouraged me to get some help.

After that is when I went to my first AA meeting — it took me awhile to get there, but encouragement of fellow bloggers helped me get there. I just listened, but didn’t connect with anybody. After a couple weeks, my head started going crazy, and I drank to quiet it. I couldn’t take it. I went to the bar and found that guy. Somehow, it didn’t do what I needed it to do for me. I couldn’t get drunk and stupid and just lose myself like I did before.

Now, I have 19 days of sobriety under my belt, and have more tools to help me. It feels different. I can better control some of my thoughts and the noise in my head. But I don’t know how long I can do it for. Something needs to change again. I think it’s the faith thing — faith in the process, faith in the energy of those rooms, faith in myself. Faith in everything that loves me. Whatever it is, I need more of it.

Oh yeah, I also apparrently suffer from severe depression and an unknown level of anxiety.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have no friends, no acquaintences, no social life aside from blogs and social networking — except for AA meetings. So I feel terribly alone. But I know that’s part of what AA is for, and this blog too.

So often, I just want to give up. But I don’t know for how long I could be that person that drinks. So, I am running on survival instinct right now. Every day, I can only look forward, or I’ll just fall back. It’s a little exhausting , because I can never just shift into neutral. And every day is different — i don’t know what to expect, so I just have to take what comes and hope it doesn’t knock me down.

I try to hide my tears, but sometimes they just flow. But I never get any satisfaction, any relief. Everyday during my commute, I sing in my car just to be able to scream.

But what can I do?  Just keep looking forward, keep away from the booze, and keep going to meetings. I don’t have much time with sobriety, and it comes one day at a time. Things have come in the past as I have needed them, and that’s what I have faith in now.

That’s where I am today. I try to be positive, and quiet the negative thoughts that flood my head, but I can never just relax. I even try not to write about the negative things as much anymore, because that seems to give them more power. But I did laugh a few times today, which doesn’t happen often. So I have hope, and that’s what I’m grasping onto now. Hope for today, and for tomorrow.

i am a a female in my early 30’s. i live in the Southwestern US. probably the worst place for an alcoholic constantly seeking instant gratification. because it’s always there, 24-hours a day. i hate this town. i’ve always hated it. i’ve lived here for almost 12 years — the 12 years that i have been drunk. i grew up in southern california, in a beautiful, peaceful beach town just outside of LA. i had a great childhood.

i originally went to college in boston for engineering, but that didn’t work out. i have a masters degree in accounting. bachelors, magna cum laude, in the same. i worked in big 4 public accounting as a financial statement auditor, auditing large public companies. that was the worst job i ever had — i really dont have the right personality type for that — 60+ hours a week and treated like shit. i passed the cpa exam, but need more experience in this state to get my cpa license. or i could get it in another state. there are a lot of drunks in public accounting. i think it has to do with the general mindset and high stress levels on the job. i was fired from that job last year — they actually told me i was too smart and just didn’t fit in, but i think that was the nice way of saying that i was difficult.

now, i have a much lower stress job and i work with much nicer people. i feel lucky to have this job in this economy– i was just hired in february after a few months of unemployment. and i actually get paid more than my last job, which is always nice. i work as an accountant/analyst — that’s not my actual title, but that’s what i do. i don’t want to give myself away.

i really think i am more suited to a different career, but this is what i am qualified to do now. some potential alternate career paths i have considered are librarian, writer, photographer, entrepreneur, journalist, web designer, something to do with publishing, etc. obviously, i need to figure that out sometime. right now, i think i have other things to worry about.

anyway, i’m still anonymous, but i just wanted to put that out there because i feel like i have been hiding behind this blog a little too much. so, aside from all the craziness that i have written about here, this is where i’m coming from.

i am starting this blog as a way to express myself. i used to write all sorts of things before i lost myself. i will be open and honest, but anonymous. i am sure that people that are close to me could figure it out with a little investigation, but i will deny it.

i’m a little crazy, too sensitive, and highly intelligent. but that’s what makes me me. and i love it.
i have a master’s degree. my job is highly analytical. i am a creative person. my iq is probably much higher than yours.

i love kissing. i think it is one of the most sensual moments people can share, and it tells me a lot about how a man can make love to/f*ck me.

i have had many love affairs, many great friends. i am attracted to a person’s soul. in the past, i have ended relationships after 6 months or so — the time it takes me to get bored. but my last relationship lasted more than 6 years. actually, i am still in the relationship, but it’s on it’s last leg. i haven’t kissed him in months. we don’t talk. he is my best friend, but i just can’t do it anymore. we’ve talked about it, but i think i just need to move out. and there was an incident on a recent business trip that i’ll get into later. but i can’t stop thinking about it.

i want to be a writer, but don’t think i am that talented. in this blog, i will be severely honest about my life and experiences. you might like me or you might hate me. but i hope it shows who i really am. this blog is anonymous because i don’t want to be judged.