A lot of my older posts make me sick. But I don’t want to delete them or take them down because it’s part of my journey that’s documented here. I feel like it would be dishonest to take the old stuff down. And I know that there is somebody out there who might connect with how I was feeling at the time.

So I’ve decided to start a new blog  to more thoughtfully document my path. On blu3nude, I just spew out my thoughts and feelings. But I feel like I just don’t need to put them out there like that anymore — I can recognize myself what’s real and what’s not, and it’s just too easy for my unedited words to be misinterpreted. The new blog will hopefully be more thoughtful and edited.

I don’t want to be blu3nude anymore. My name is Melinda. And for those of you who haven’t figured it out just yet (even though you all probably have), Bluenude is a series of paintings by Henri Matisse.  I love the colors he uses, and I like his vision of the female body. I’ve had the pleasure of seeing some of his works in person, although I can’t remember where. I go to museums wherever I travel, but my memory of the past is sometimes a little fuzzy.

It kills me that this blog gets far more hits when I am struggling than when I am doing well. But hey, it’s the trainwreck thing — people can’t help but look. Some of the keywords that show up in my stats when people land on my blog also kill me. I just want to be more positive, and there is a lot of darkness, a lot of negativity written in this blog. All of it honest and raw, but embarrassing and sick at times.

I’ve still got a long way to go in my recovery, but I kind of look forward to it, heartwrenching tears and all. But I have started to feel the healing, and I have started to let go of all the sickness I’ve created in my past. I think I might be starting to forgive myself, which I never thought would be possible. I’m grateful for the ability to change, and I have hope beyond hope that I can keep my focus in a positive direction. That’s the best I can do right now, and that’s why I need to move forward.

So please visit my new blog, and don’t call me Blu, because that’s not who I am anymore. I always value your thoughts and opinions.

peace and love and thanks :)

And I want to say that it is creepy how the media keeps these retrospectives on the lives of celebrities on file in case they should pass away. The media is entirely out of control, and I find myself watching less and less TV lately. Maybe it’s just an information overload, but I can’t relax and watch TV at the same time.

In life, I feel like there is a part of the puzzle that I am missing. I see how there must be a holistic approach — body, mind, and soul. I think patience is what I am missing the most right now. It’s difficult to keep on track without seeing the results. Am I really any different than I was a few months ago? There is less desperation, less hopelessness, the sadness has changed, the anxiety is still there, and it takes so much effort just to keep my head above water. Not that life will ever be easy, but will it ever feel more fulfilling?

I’m ok right now, but if I look to the future and see the same person in 6 months, in a year, I lose a little bit of hope. That’s not good. I need hope to keep going. How do I keep my momentum? Of course, I don’t expect an answer, but I want the frustration to be lifted. Can’t I just go to sleep for a year and wake up a new person? A better person? The fear of dealing with my reality leads to anxiety, and that makes me want to run in the other direction. It’s kind of weird, because I don’t want to drink, but I want to give in to the sadness. But it’s not the healing kind of sadness, it’s the kind that makes me disconnect.

So I’ve got to shift focus back on today. Today was a good day. I even sang and danced around my apartment for about 30 minutes today — that’s what happens when I eat too much sugar. Then I enjoyed the park with a nice 2-mile walk. My life is pretty easy, it is so extremely uncomplicated, and I like that. I should enjoy it. I suppose I’m still stuck on instant gratification, and patience is quite the opposite.

The other day at work, there was an emergency, and they needed some muscle to quickly vacate an office across town. For some reason, my boss volunteered me, but I didn’t mind. I had to move office furniture (chairs, tables, printers, etc) down a flight of stairs and into a truck, and it had to be done quickly. And it was pouring rain. But hey, it’s better than sitting at my desk. I only wish I wasn’t wearing sandals that day. Actually running up and down the stairs was exhilirating, but my shoulders are sore from lifting stuff over my head to put it in the back of a truck. But, I got to keep one of the leather executive chairs at my desk. I noticed that I am in much better shape than I thought I was. I guess my walking at the park (15 minute miles, not very exciting) has done me some good. Not to mention the fact that not drinking allows my body to heal itself, rather than just constantly focusing on filtering out the alcohol. I do a lot of stretching exercises too.

My gynecologist gave me some samples of estrogen pills to regulate my hormones during my cycle more. I guess the birth control shot can knock things out of whack a little. I’m a little afraid to take them, but I’ll see what they do for me. She also asked about my stress level, and I told her it was low. She said that was good, because that allows my body to heal and my immune system to be up. I had some pre-cancerous cells removed from my cervix, and I have to get screened every 3 months. So far, so good. I’m glad I chose this time to be more healthy, to allow my body to heal. My stress level is low, even though I have been experiencing a lot of emotions lately. The emotional stuff leads to healing, and I do feel better afterwards. It’s like I’m finally getting it out. Tears can be healing.

Today I got more done before noon than I usually get done in a whole weekend. It’s hot outside though, and it’s supposed to get hotter this weekend..  like 107 degrees on Saturday. It’s humid right now too, because there’s a storm threatening to pour some rain. I don’t like the extreme heat of the desert. I always get dehydrated, even though I drink a lot of water.

It’s only 3pm now. I just woke up from a nap. If it doesn’t look like rain, maybe I’ll head to the park this afternoon.

My perspective is on track today. I see progress with my body, I’m addressing my crazy hormone issues, and alcohol seems like poison to me today. I’ve given up caffeine and carbonated beverages, and I make better choices with my eating — I switched to soy milk, soy-milk -based ice cream (hey, it’s better than the regular stuff, and I can’t give up everything), spinach salads for lunch at work, and banana smoothies for breakfast. Ha ha, I sound like a health nut. I just can’t abuse my body anymore. I suppose this is common in recovery, although I remember some very unhealthy-looking people at AA meetings. That’s another reason I don’t want to go — there are a lot of unhealthy people there. And I know people get to know each other in front of the building in the smoking area after the meeting. Ick. 

Right now, in this moment, things seem to be coming together. These are the moments I cherish. If I could be like this all the time, I would be content. But I know how I am, and I know it will go. But I’m happy to be right here, right now.  I think I’ll get out of bed early every weekend. Happy Friday.

I’ve written about my fears before, but with a clearer head, maybe I can see them a little better. I sat in a quiet room thinking about my fears last night, and here they are:

1. i’m afraid of being alone
2. i’m afraid of failure
3. i’m afraid of rejection
4. i’m afraid of being hurt
5. i’m afraid i’ll never be good enough

Sure, there are other, more superficial fears, but these are the big ones, the ones I drink for. When I thought about it more, all of these have a deeper connection. They are all things that can drive me to a deep, dark depression. They can take me over the edge, take me to that place where I just don’t care anymore. That’s what I’m really afraid of — I’m afraid of not coming back from that place. It’s my reactions to the things above that I fear the most.

So, if I must face my fears, I must face the depression. But, I’m afraid it might win. I know whatever I do to face it will ultimately help my situation, but it terrifies me. What if I fall apart? Can I pick up the pieces?

I can feel the depression creeping around behind me, lying in wait. It would be easy to go there. But I can’t. I know I need to get help for it someday — it’s definitely a thinking problem and a brain chemistry problem. I changed my diet. I exercise more. I’m aware of my thought processes. I try to stay positive. But how long before it catches up with me? Can I really stay ahead of it? I don’t have the answer but I do have some hope.

When the going gets tough, I check out of reality. It’s been tough, but I’m (mostly) still here. I do see how I could use other people to lean on at this very moment, but I’m stubborn, and I’ve already decided to not to go back to any meetings for a while. I really just don’t want to. Not now. When? I don’t know.

I hate how this whole thing seems so cyclical. Mood goes up, mood goes down. Repeat. The cravings/compulsions/whatevers to drink have been less frequent. I feel like if I drink again, it will be to purposefully sabotage my recovery, rather than to mindlessly follow a compulsion. I don’t know which is worse.

I don’t handle stress well. I’m not talking about stress at work, I can handle that. It’s the emotional stuff that I don’t know how to handle. All the “excitement” around my birthday and Father’s Day. That was the first birthday and/or Father’s Day that I have been sober for in the last 12 -1 3 years. And both on the same day. I should’ve just stayed in an pretended that day didn’t exist. If my reaction to a known event is so negative, how will I react to the unknown?

So I’m afraid to confront anything, and I’m unable to hide from it. I’m afraid of all those things listed somewhere above in this post. I’m afraid of the pain, and I’m also afraid of running away from the pain. Maybe it’s not as bad as I make it seem, but I feel a little stuck, but I’m afraid to move.

Work is good. It’s like my little microcosm where I can practice thinking more positively, having a better attitude, and reacting to people in a more positive way. Then there’s the rest of my world, the part with the fears and sadness and compulsions and everything else. I have faith that I can get through this. I’m grateful to be alive today.

RIP Farrah and Michael

last night, i woke up sometime after 3am, and wrote this down:

I live a solitary life. No one asks me how I am doing and cares to hear the answer. I interact with people mostly on a superficial level. On the blog, I interact at a deeper, more meaningful level, but none of my senses are involved. I can’t see you, I can’t touch you, I can’t hear you, I can’t place your scent.

I miss human touch, even affection. A hug, a touch on the back, a nudge on the arm. Most of my social interaction is at work, and we keep our physical distances at work. I don’t even have a cat to snuggle with anymore.

I see how I truly need help from others to truly heal. I’ve said before that there are times when I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Just to let go for that moment would be a relief. A healing relief. Just to actually believe, even if just for a moment, that it will be allright would be a blessing. I think I only half-believe that today.

After I wrote that, I slept until morning. Sometimes I don’t know where the inspiration to write a post comes from. I’m at a loss to where that came from, but I’m glad I wrote it down. I love writing things that let me sleep until morning.

So I’m on this journey to be a better person than I was yesterday. And, as with all things, it’s not about getting there, it’s about the process. It’s hard to have self-confidence when I have lacked it for so long. The “I can do this” motivation does not come easy, and I still have a lot of crazy mood swings that somehow always end in tears, but they’re tears I need to find my way through. There’s a lot less anger though. But I’m doing ok. And to be sober for 46 days is better than being drunk for any of those days.

Government jobs are different than regular jobs. Everyone is insecure in their positions, everyone knows that policies and procedures can be changed at the whim of a constituent-pleasing politician, and nobody likes to share information, lest they become unimportant. I’m actually good at dealing with people in work situations. I’ve learned at this job whose egos I need to placate, whose territory I can’t cross, who is afraid of actual work, and who I need to talk to to get solutions implemented. Many are so attached to certain ways of doing things, outdated policies and overly-complicated processes that they are afraid to leg go. We can’t change if we don’t let go of what is holding us back.

I’ve got my attachments, and I’ve got a lot of them. Learning to let go is the hard part. One physical thing I am attached to is my book collection. Maybe I should let some of them go. I’m afraid I’ll forget that I read them, that I once lost myself in their stories. I’m afraid that if I lose the tangible reminder, the knowledge I gleaned with dissolve away.

here’s some more quotes from “Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be” by Lama Surya Das.

Chapter Four: Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be

• Reminiscing of times past, he says, “All of this seems like a magical dream to me today, real as it was at the time, and I am reminded of Buddha’s own words: ‘See this floating world like a dream, like a mirage, like a fantasy.’”
• “Our overweening attachments are said to be the cause of our suffering. Because we are focused on our attachments, we fail to pay attention to the truth of the present moment; we fail to follow our deeper values.”
• “If we cling to unreality, we lose our sanity.”
• “This self-centered attitude is the root of evil and unhappiness, for who really possesses our body and our possessions, and for how long?”
• “In the end, all dependable satisfaction comes from the higher ground above and within, depending on how we choose to look at it. “
• “We become attached to the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and what we think. We become inordinately attached to our status, accomplishments, and reputations — and what we think they say about us.”
• “If we want to create change in our lives, we simply have to change some of the things we are attached to.”

Chapter Five: Letting Go of Holding On

• “We suffer because of a lack of validity knowing and understanding reality, what it is and how it works. The Buddha taught that it is like a group of blind men touching an elephant and then trying to describe what an elephant is. The one holding a leg says that an elephant is like a pillar, the one holding the tail emphatically says that it is like a rope, while the one confronting its side is quite sure the elephant is a wall. Because we are not totally aware or conscious, we have little ability to see and comprehend the whole.”
• “There are many degrees of holding on: daily routines, dogmatic beliefs and prejudices, psychological fixations, phobias, and addictions, are all varities of holding on. The issue is the extent to which holding on limits our freedom to vary from habitual patterns and conditioning.”
• “Think about how much energy and attention we have invested in maintainingand holding together our own self-image and persona.”
• “Letting go means letting things come and go by just letting be.”
• “My own experience is that finding the divine in our lives is usually more a matter of subtraction than addition.”

Here’s some quotes that I found interesting:

Chapter Two: Loss and Change

“Loss is a part of life. Impermanence is everywhere we look… How we deal with these losses is what makes all the difference. For it is not what happens to us that determines our character, our experience, our karma, and our destiny – but how we relate to what happens.”

“Our sorrows provide us with the lessons we most need to learn.”

“Everything passes; nothing remains. Understand this, loosen your grip, and find serenity.”

“Rather than feel our feelings, we try to lose ourselves in habitual activity.”

Chapter Three: Naming Our Losses

“For some of us, the most consistently troublesome thing about loss is the destruction of expectations.”

“Jung said, ‘The psychological rule says that when an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside as fate.’”

In the third chapter, he suggests journaling your losses, and how they make you feel. Here’s mine:

• lost pets, companionship. i was shocked that they were just gone. dead. the end.
• lost the kid next door that died in a SCUBA diving accident, when I was about 10. too young to really understand. but that was the first person i knew who died. he was my brother’s best friend. i wonder if he’s looking out for him.
• lost friendships throughout school years. it always baffled me when friends would suddenly abandon me to climb the social ladder. people still do that to me today. i give, they take. the end. felt betrayed, anger, sadness.
• my house burned down when I was 17. Lost all my stuff. All of it. Didn;t really even fathom that was a possibility before. Lost a sense of security. felt confused and sad.
• lost my home when my parents moved to Vegas when I went to college. There was never a home back in CA to return to. I never wanted to come to Vegas. Lost a lot of friends as a result. Lost a sense of community, a nostalgia connected to my childhood home. I feel like a stranger when I go back sometimes. Lost my roots. felt disconnected.
• lost my innocence. lost my security. there are some things that people do that you never really knew a persona was capable of doing to another person. lost my faith in humanity. ander, sadness, guilt, shame, inferiority.
• lost my scholarship. lost my sense of direction. lost my goals. lost my purpose. if i’m not a high-achieving engineering student, what am i? i was confused. i felt a sense of freedom in that i wasn’t doing things just becasue that was what i was supposed to do. lost some shyness. i felt for the first time, i was really living. i didn’t have to do anything.
• lost my dad. lost my security. lost the only person who could tell me that everything was going to be ok. lost the rock of my family. lost my stability. lost my freedom. i was angry that he had to go, and that he had to go like that. i was angry that i had to be the stable one. i’m the youngest, shouldn’t they be taking care of me? lost my freedom in that i felt an enormous burden of responsibility. sadness, anger, all internalized in a big depression. let the drinking begin.
• lost control. gained an addiction. lost my self-respect, lost all confidence. lost the person i once saw in the mirror. lost my boundaries. lost any sense of reality. lost my love for myself, most of it at least. lost control, that’s the key.
• lost my sense of security when the house was burglarized. lost my jewelry, some of which i had had for years. lost a computer, dell axim, acoustic guitar that i purchased with the proceeds from the wrongful death lawsuit for my dad years ago, lost a camera, lost pictures, lost faith in my ex (b/c he never fixed the fence. that was the moment i lost much respect for him). now i find security in the baseball bat i keep by the bed. my dad used to keep a machete by his bed. i know how to swing a baseball bat, not a machete. the police said it was just kids, and that was the extent of their investigation. lost faith in the police. lost more sense of security. anxiety, anger.
• lost my job, my career path. lost security. lost direction. anxiety. relief.
• lost love. lost the sense of being important in someone else’s life. lost some cats. lost security. lost touch with reality some more. lost companionship. sadness. loss of friendship. was it all an illusion. confusion, anger, relief, and finally, a deep breath.
• lost many opportunities to be something. lost confidence. lost potential. lost the feeling that i can do anything. lost the sense that everything will work out for the better in the end.

after writing all of that down, i realize it was all beyond my control, except the scholarship and the job. and you know what, i didn;t really want either of those things. i was directed into engineering becasue i excelled at math and science. but, i excelled in all academic subjects. literature was my favorite. so fuck the engineering scholarship. And the job? I didn’t really want to be a CPA. I just wanted the security. And I still qualify to be a CPA in many states, so I can pick it back up if I want to. And that job just sucked. I’m glad it led me to the job I have now — cushy governement job (as long as I get through the upcoming layoffs). Couldn’t have gotten it without the big name on the resume.

I know I need security. But I didn;t realize that I felt a loss of security from most of the events listed above. I need to find that security within myself, and not try to get it from external sources. I just feel so unstable. Like I could just float away if left untethered. I’m sure that stems from the lack of self-confidence. hm.

i stopped drinking because i was out of control. many changes happened in my life all at the same time , and i had no idea what i was getting myself into. i didn’t know that i was in search if who i really am — my true self. and i had no idea how hard the search would be. i’m still trying to figure it out, and i think it’s going to take awhile.

i have this need for security in my life, otherwise i feel like i am not grounded. but i lost a lot of my security all at once earlier in the year. all within a few months of each other, was fired from a job that ran me into the ground , i left an unhealthy relationship, and gave up the crutch of alcohol. i have always felt that if i could just find my place in this world, then everything would be ok. but that’s not how it works.  in searching for my true self, i have discovered all the masks that i wear, and there are a lot. i wear them because they provide me with some security, and they allow me to appear grounded to the world outside, or so i thought.

so, the big picture is that i have to find out who i really am, and just be that person. easier said than done, of course. drinking has overshadowed who i am. drinking has created an alternate self — the drunk version of me. that is not who i really am. most alcoholics can relate, i think, as we sense the dr. jekyll/my. hyde change with a beer in hand. i have to learn to let go of the mr. hyde (that’s the evil one) and discover who the real person is underneath. it’s so hard to let go of all that i associate with my mr. hyde — the drunken slut, the drunk driver, the person who doesn’t take care of her responsibilities, the person who lashes out at others emotionally, the person who could never just be happy and content.

bu the real me can be happy and content, that i am sure of. the hardest part is letting go of all the “security” i found in alcohol. i recgonize it as false security, but i still want it. i sit here today, open and vulnerable, and it’s somewhat terrifying. what if i don’t measure up? what if people see who i really am and still don’t like me? what if ….??? those are the details i need not get caught up in. if i know anything about my true nature, it is that i am a good person, and i will do everything in my power to help others and that i really do care. but i also know that i am insecure and have a hard time seeing myself as valuable. thankfully, i can work on that.

so, i need to find out who i really am, in absence of alcohol and bad relationships and bad jobs. thankfully, i was given the blessing of that opportunity, which is exactly what i needed. it’s amazing how these things work. i’ve only been really at this quest for self for a couple of months now, and it will take time to get where i need to be.

it dawned on me in a flash of inspiration that my true self may be my higher power, in the aa sense. i respect that others have their God to work with, but what of those of us who don’t? we have the group consciousness, the jungian collective unconscious, the universe, whatever. but what is that really? if my self was defined by the planets and the sun and the moon at the moment of my birth, then haven’t i just strayed from that self  through my addiction and all the other masks that i wear? i just need to find my way back. many that believe in a God have said that they have strayed from that God, and they need to find their way back.

i know that my true self is innately good and will steer me in the right path. sure, i have flaws, but if i can find my way back to my self, then everything will be ok. i have faith in that. i also think that any god/higher power is really within, not without. the group consciousness is that we are all connected through our struggles and desires to heal. i find that here, on these blogs. the power i feel when sharing through the blog comes from the honesty — it wouldn’t mean a thing to me if i was dishonest. what i share here is deeply personal, but i am shielded by the distance.

it seems to me that i search for something tangible, but what i find is intangible. i say i am searching for my self, but, really, i am already here. i’m just stripping off the defensive masks, slowly but surely. what’s changing is my reaction to my self. it’s like i am here, but i haven’t accepted that yet. the higher power is the self-love that i have been lacking. that’s what will make me successful, and that comes from within. but that doesn’t mean i could do it alone. i surely could not. right now, i can’t see myself for who i really am. that’s where those i interact with on here come in to the picture. you help me see myself as i really am.

i wrote most of this post in the morning, and the rest in the afternoon, during an emotional breakdown. i went to lunch with my (relative), and she was a little nasty. i just sit there and take it, because it’s not ok to disrespect my (relative). but that’s why i can only take her in small doses. i feel sorry for her too. if this is what i’ve gotten myself into after only 32 years of this shit, what has she done with her 60+ years? she’s really only one bad day from going over the deep end, and that’s sad. lunch lasted less than an hour, but it was enough to drive me to tears (after i got home, of course). i’m probably a little sensitive from the hormones screwing with me too. but why is it that when i’m around my family, i always have to be the one who “sucks it up” to keep the peace? i always have to tiptoe around everyone else’s feelings, but i get stomped all over? i dont think i can’t take it anymore. no wonder i moved 3,000 miles away from my family when i turned 18. maybe i should move farther away again.

before, i would be right in a bar to drink these thoughts away. but i know that’s not going to help. i don’t deserve to have my feelings disregarded by my family. fuck them (that’s probably not the best reaction, but it’s better than internalizing feelings of inferiority). i deserve better.

i know this post is kind of all mixed up, but it went where it wanted to go. hopefully some of it makes sense.

today is my 43rd day of living in reality. this day hurts more than i wanted it to, but it’s all gotta come out sometime. there’s no time like the present to embrace change.

 if i just don’t drink now, then i am good, right?

i spent the morning doing laundry and reading through my astrology chart that Domino was kind enough to prepare for me. It’s very detailed, so I’m going to have to read it a few more times before i can see it more clearly.

i spent the middle of the day running around town. i bought some new sheets (made from bamboo) and a convection/toaster oven ( birthday present to me).

this afternoon i went to the park to just read. i was there for a few hours. i am now reading “zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance.” i’ve had the book for years, but never read it. i didn’t even know it was on my bookshelf.  in my extra bedroom, i set up a little reading/yoga/meditation area, complete with a yoga mat laid out on the floor, right in front of my bookshelf. i  think i must have about 300+ books. i’m really not even sure. most of them i have read. the other night i was stretching on the yoga mat, and i laid back and was looking at my bookshelf, upside down. somehow, i saw this book, and i pulled it off the shelf and began reading it. then i noticed there was an atm receipt in the book. i bought the book used, so it was someone else’s atm receipt. it was from bank of america, and said “versateller.” i don’t think they use that term anymore. the thermal ink was very faint, but i could make it out with some effort.  it was the university’s address, the date was 3/20/98, and the person had $6.22 balance in his or her account. i like finding things like that. when i used to wander around the boston/cambridge used bookstores, i remember finding a receipt from the 1920′s. that was cool. i always like to wonder who else read the book, and try to give them a story. books with inscriptions are cool for the same reason.

anyway, i’ve been reading this book to get lost in someone else’s story for a bit, because i just need to check out of my own for a little while. i’m still only halfway through “mindful meditation” but there’s a limit to the amount of self-improvement information i can absorb at any given time. i’ll pick it back up later. i need to be ok with who i am right now, but i’m really not. just thinking about that can make me cry, if i let it.

i gotta say, what i read in that astrology report is very insightful. i’ll write about it later when i get it squared away in my head. but it does point out some negative traits that i don’t like about myself. i’m thinking that they key here is to accept the negative traits, learn to improve upon them, and be ok with that. but right now, i gotta say, i don’t like that it points these out. probably cause i’ve been trying to hide from them, instead of accept them. one of them is that i am stubborn. well, hrrmph.

one thing that i noticed has come up more than once in my readings is the concept of accepting where you are for what it is. i like being connected to nature. at the park today, i saw a bunny. he was only a few feet away from me, but i was still so he didn’t notice. he was just chomping away at the grass, being a bunny. but las vegas has a lot of non-native plants that negatively affect the ecology. it’s the desert, not an oasis. there used to be a vast groundwater reservoir, but it all dried up many years ago. so why are there so many palm trees and other non-native plants? we don’t have the water to support them, and they negatively affect the surrounding environment. and they bring non-native species of animals and insects too, like scorpions. this happens all over the country. but there’s nothing wrong with how it was to begin with. why do i want to pretend i live in a tropical oasis under palm trees when i really live in the desert? the point is to accept reality for what it is, and deal with that. maybe it’s not perfect, but it’s real. i bought a little succulent (cactus) today as a birthday present for myself. it’s nice to have another living thing in the apartment. i’ve been watching my flowers (given to me by my co-workers for my b-day) open and close for the sun.

i went to trader joes after the park this evening to pick up some groceries (and a cactus). in case you are unfamiliar with trader joes, they have an extensive selection of alcoholic beverages. i usually just avoid that aisle. but, there was an endcap display of the summer brew and some kind of pale ale. i’ve had their beer before, and it’s usually too bitter and rough for my tastes. i like my beers to go down smooth. but i actually picked up a bottle of each of these and read the labels. then i went to the liquor aisle and looked at their full selection. i was trying to convince myself to buy just one (half-liter) bottle of a lager. i spent about 5 minutes reading the labels, and then i put them down and walked away. i almost put one in my cart, but i thought it would be too bitter, so that was the reasoning i used to put it back on the shelf. i’m glad they only have their own brands of beer there, otherwise i might have purchased a more familiar brand.

i have this urge to go to a bar, but i think i will be able to stay in and stay beer-free. when i put that beer back on the shelf, i felt like i had some control over it, even if i had to trick myself a little to be able to do that. it tries to trick me all the time, so why not turn it around? (i realize that makes me sound totally crazy, but that’s what it feels like). i guess the term compulsion is dead-on.

that’s all i got for tonight.